The Truly Terrible Jokes/Puns Thread

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R

RJS

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Jul 29, 2019
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4 surgeons were discussing who they preferred to operate on.

The first one said "I like operating on colouring book authors, because you open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second one said "No, no, no, you've got it all wrong. Electricians are the best people to operate on, because you open them up and everything inside is colour-coded!"
The third surgeon said "You're both wrong. Librarians are the best to operate on, because you open them up and everything is arranged in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon smiled and said "Check this out. I like operating on lawyers, because they're gutless, heartless, spineless, and their heads are interchangeable with their arses!"
 
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Someone Else 37

Someone Else 37

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Feb 10, 2013
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Lens managed to remind me of this little UNIX program called fortune. Whenever you run it, it spits out something like one of these:

Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
without his duck ...

One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
a rivalry of aim. -- Henry Brook Adams

He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.

"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's not the U.S.
Army doing it!"
-- Good Morning VietNam

The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
-- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court

Code: 
In high school in Brooklyn
I was the baseball manager,
proud as I could be
I chased baseballs,
gathered thrown bats
handed out the towels             Eventually, I bought my own
It was very important work        but it was dark blue while
for a small spastic kid,          the official ones were green
but I was a team member           Nobody ever said anything
When the team got                 to me about my blue jacket;
their warm-up jackets             the guys were my friends
I didn't get one                  Yet it hurt me all year
Only the regular team             to wear that blue jacket
got these jackets, and            among all those green ones
surely not a manager              Even now, forty years after,
                                  I still recall that jacket
                                  and the memory goes on hurting.
        -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
 
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lenscas

lenscas

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Jul 31, 2013
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no idea if I already posted them but here are some more

3 people had carpool: a mechanical engineer, a electrical engineer and a Microsoft programmer. But the car suddenly broke down.
Mechanical engineer said: "Hey! It has to be the fuel injection. Lemme fix it."
The electrical engineer didn't agree: "It's magneto probably. I'll fix it."
Microsoft programmer shoke his head and said: "Hey guys, I have a simpler idea: Let's just close all the windows, get out of the car, then get back into it, and it should run!"

---------

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 180 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
 
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gold49

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May be pushing the definition of joke here, but too good to pass up.
Steam sales
xeCbCcJ.jpg
 
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T

TheEpic5

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Jul 29, 2019
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I don't like Rock n Roll, but I shouldn't gravel over it. (I actually said this in a server)
Puns are so cheesy. Like my tacos, but I shouldn't taco about that, but I'm nachsure. (Think about that)
That guy is stone cold. He's made of stone though, so.
I'll have more punny puns tomorrow.
 
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gold49

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Shamelessly stollen from The Tech from Tek syndicate

"In a world where the pen is just as visceral as the sword, one man's wordplay tradecraft is just as deadly. They call him the Pun-isher"
 
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