The Truly Terrible Jokes/Puns Thread
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More books for the shelf:
Getting Rich Quick, by Robin Banks
The Long Drop, by Eileen Dover
Defining a Couple, by Ewan Mie
Drying and curing meats, by Bill Tong
Fears and Phobias, by Terry Fied
Getting Rich Quick, by Robin Banks
The Long Drop, by Eileen Dover
Defining a Couple, by Ewan Mie
Drying and curing meats, by Bill Tong
Fears and Phobias, by Terry Fied
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Schrödinger's Cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
EDIT: I saw the hydrogen peroxide joke earlier. My favorite variant:
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have some H2O." The second says "I'll have some water as well, but why'd you order it that way? We aren't at work anymore."
The first chemist excused himself and went to weep quietly in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.
EDIT: I saw the hydrogen peroxide joke earlier. My favorite variant:
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have some H2O." The second says "I'll have some water as well, but why'd you order it that way? We aren't at work anymore."
The first chemist excused himself and went to weep quietly in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.
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found this on a Linux forum
'When you say, 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows,' people just stare at you blankly and say, 'Hey, I got those with the system, for free.' -- Linus Torvalds
'When you say, 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows,' people just stare at you blankly and say, 'Hey, I got those with the system, for free.' -- Linus Torvalds
Not really terrible jokes or puns, but I do like funny chemical/mineral names 
Things such as the mineral "Cummingtonite", the "Uranate" anion, the arsenic organic molecule "arsole", and of course "moronic acid".
Things such as the mineral "Cummingtonite", the "Uranate" anion, the arsenic organic molecule "arsole", and of course "moronic acid".
In the middle of the woods there was a small lake. In the middle of this lake there was a fly hovering six inches above the water.
Down in the water there was a fish. And the fish said:
If that fly drops six inches...I'm going to get that fly.
A little ways away from that there was a bear. And the bear saw the fly and said:
If that fly drops six inches, and that fish gets that fly...I'm going to get that fish.
A little ways away from that there was a hunter. And the hunter saw the fly and said:
If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, and that bear gets that fish...I'm going to shoot that bear.
A little ways away from that there was a mouse. And the mouse saw the fly and said:
If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, that bear gets that fish, that hunter shoots that bear...I'm going to steal that hunters cheese.
A little ways away from that there was a cat. And the cat saw the fly and said:
If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, that bear gets that fish, that hunter shoots that bear, that mouse steals that cheese...I'm going to eat that mouse.
Now for a brief moment everything stood still. There was silence everywhere as everyone watched the fly. All of a sudden, the fly dropped six inches.
The fish jumped up and grabbed the fly, the bear ran in and got the fish, the hunter took aim and shot the bear, the mouse ran up to steal the hunters cheese, and the cat jumped at the mouse to eat him, but at the very last second the mouse saw the cat and jumped out of the way and the cat landed in the lake.
Now the moral of the story is: When the fly drops six inches its sure that pussy gets wet.
Down in the water there was a fish. And the fish said:
If that fly drops six inches...I'm going to get that fly.
A little ways away from that there was a bear. And the bear saw the fly and said:
If that fly drops six inches, and that fish gets that fly...I'm going to get that fish.
A little ways away from that there was a hunter. And the hunter saw the fly and said:
If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, and that bear gets that fish...I'm going to shoot that bear.
A little ways away from that there was a mouse. And the mouse saw the fly and said:
If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, that bear gets that fish, that hunter shoots that bear...I'm going to steal that hunters cheese.
A little ways away from that there was a cat. And the cat saw the fly and said:
If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, that bear gets that fish, that hunter shoots that bear, that mouse steals that cheese...I'm going to eat that mouse.
Now for a brief moment everything stood still. There was silence everywhere as everyone watched the fly. All of a sudden, the fly dropped six inches.
The fish jumped up and grabbed the fly, the bear ran in and got the fish, the hunter took aim and shot the bear, the mouse ran up to steal the hunters cheese, and the cat jumped at the mouse to eat him, but at the very last second the mouse saw the cat and jumped out of the way and the cat landed in the lake.
Now the moral of the story is: When the fly drops six inches its sure that pussy gets wet.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and has been sawn in half.
STILL NO BLOODY IDEA.
Two blondes walk into a building
You'd of thought one of them would have seen it.
Two blondes were driving to disneyland. The sign said "Disneyland left". The two blondes cried and went home.
An Englishman a Scottish man and an Irishman were on a really hot desert island. A genie appeared to them and told them they could each have one wish. The Englishman wished for a giant fan to fan himself with. The Scottish man, seeing what the Englishman wished for, wished for a giant electric fan. The Irishman wished for a car window. When the others asked him why, he said, "So I can open the window and feel the breeze!"
HeilMewtwo said, "What's up?"
I looked up and said, "The ceiling."
HeilMewtwo hates me now.
let me explain.
In the cartoon code lyoko that is the only thing they got as math yet they still mess it up.
In the cartoon code lyoko that is the only thing they got as math yet they still mess it up.
Going off memory, so excuse any weirdness. Also this joke could be considered slightly offensive by some people, so there is that.
A Texan, Brit, Frenchman, and Mexican are all flying in a small plane over mountains. The pilot announces there has been a engine problem and three men need to jump out of the plane or all five of them will die.
The Brit opens the door, yells "Long live the queen!", and jumps out.
The Frenchman yells "Viva la France!" and does the same as the Brit.
The Texan grabs the Mexican and yells "Remember the Alamo!" while throwing the Mexican out of the plane.
A Texan, Brit, Frenchman, and Mexican are all flying in a small plane over mountains. The pilot announces there has been a engine problem and three men need to jump out of the plane or all five of them will die.
The Brit opens the door, yells "Long live the queen!", and jumps out.
The Frenchman yells "Viva la France!" and does the same as the Brit.
The Texan grabs the Mexican and yells "Remember the Alamo!" while throwing the Mexican out of the plane.
Ooo, blonde jokes now?
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are waiting for a doctor. All three are pregnant. The doc comes out. He says to the redhead, "It's a girl." To the brunette, he says "It's a boy." Then he comes to the blonde, who is crying. "What's wrong?" he asks. The blonde looks up and says, "Does this means I'm gonna have PUPPIES?!?"
Sent from my SGH-T769 using Tapatalk 2
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are waiting for a doctor. All three are pregnant. The doc comes out. He says to the redhead, "It's a girl." To the brunette, he says "It's a boy." Then he comes to the blonde, who is crying. "What's wrong?" he asks. The blonde looks up and says, "Does this means I'm gonna have PUPPIES?!?"
Sent from my SGH-T769 using Tapatalk 2
wtf?Ooo, blonde jokes now?
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are waiting for a doctor. All three are pregnant. The doc comes out. He says to the redhead, "It's a girl." To the brunette, he says "It's a boy." Then he comes to the blonde, who is crying. "What's wrong?" he asks. The blonde looks up and says, "Does this means I'm gonna have PUPPIES?!?"
Sent from my SGH-T769 using Tapatalk 2