My microwave is so damn slow. Hey, if I put it in the oven will it cook faster? The microwave, not the food.
One time a pushy manager asked if I could speed up a tape restore which was about half finished, at about 3:30 am. Yes, I was paged in the middle of the night while I was on vacation. In fact, it was my Birthday as well.
I told him I could stop the backup, rewire the tape drive's motor for 220v. and wait 3 weeks for 220v. to be run into the server room by Facilities, if he thought that would be faster.
I got called back in the following day and chewed out by my manager until I explained that the bozo had been bugging me every 15 minutes. I still lost a vacation day.